Winning and Loosing
by RoseWalker
Summary: Arthur is now king but something else has come between he and Merlin. Song fic. Merlin Pov. Lots of Angst. Future fic.


**Title: **Winning and Loosing

**Pairings:** Arthur/Merlin

**Spoilers: **None that I can think of

**WARNINGS: **OMG the angst! Song fic. Merlin POV.

**Disclaimer: **Merlin not mine *sob* It's the BBC's though I want to rob them and get away with Bradley and Colin ^_^. Also 'The Winner Takes It All' belongs to Abba.

**Summary: **Arthur is now king but something else has come between he and Merlin.

**Notes: **Ok this was inspired by iamlolweasel's 100 Merlin fic prompts which can be found on LJ.

This was prompt no.1- The winner takes it all. As I have been rather obsessed by 'Mamma Mia' lately there was no avoiding that connection. In fact I had Merlin running around singing 'I have a dream' stuck in my head while I was stuck in work. I hate my muses. So yeah… it stuck as a song fic. My first Merlin song fic!

_I don't wanna talk  
About the things we've gone through  
Though it's hurting me  
Now it's history_

Everyone always says that if you talk it makes you feel better. Well, for once in my life that is the very one thing I do not want to do. I don't want one word to escape my lips because I know I will regret anything that manages it. My magic may be free but now it is my words that must stay hidden, secret.

Done so much together, you and I. Fought so many battles, side by side, joked and laughed together, you more at me, than anything else. Even now I can feel a whisper of a smile threatening to pull my mouth upwards. That's the memories for you. I hold it back. It burns.

My very soul burns with the agony of not being able to talk to you. I know I shall burn for eternity. All those adventures we had together, will be no more than browning pages in the dusty tombs of history and legend.

_I've played all my cards  
And that's what you've done too  
Nothing more to say  
No more ace to play_

I have done everything for you. Shown you everything. Put my very life on the line. More than once. Even now I would still do that. I would always do that. And you have done the same. But would you still?

I can't tell you any more. I have little else to give. It is no longer my place. My place will always be that step behind you. Your shadow. But no longer by your side. I can never stand there. Not anymore.

_The winner takes it all  
The loser standing small  
Beside the victory  
That's her destiny_

I watch from the side, as you, dressed in shining gold that matches your hair, take her hand. She dressed in silver, smiles brightly at you. You have everything now. You are king of Camelot. Lord of Albion. You have the greatest knights in the world, who would fight to the death for you. And now you have the most beautiful woman beside you, your wife. Guinevere. She has taken my position beside you and my place in your bed. The greatest king who ever lived and will be remembered throughout all time. The winner takes it all.

Leaving the loser. Me. I am once again that ignorant servant who first came to Camelot seeking hope. But now older and wiser I know one fact. There is no hope. Not for me. I doubt there ever was. That damned dragon giving me a false hope. Protect and serve. Never love. He never meant for us to be that close. And now we never will be.

It is her destiny of course. Gwen. My friend and my lover. Married to each other. Leaving me alone. Destiny mocks me in your shared smiles and kisses. I will stand small. Here. Alone.

_I was in your arms  
Thinking I belonged there  
I figured it made sense  
Building me a fence  
Building me a home  
Thinking I'd be strong there  
But I was a fool  
Playing by the rules_

Only last night you were holding me close. Letting me make love to you. I thought that's where I would always be. It was where I belonged. It didn't matter where we were, as long as I was with you, I was home. I never felt more safe than when you held me in your arms. With your strength, you made me feel strong. With you beside me I could have done anything.

But… Once again I proved to be the idiot you always insisted on calling me. I was blinded by my love for you. I should have known better. I knew it would never end happy for us. You were a prince and now a king. It was only right that you needed to marry. You need an heir. I know that. It doesn't stop the hurt.

I played by the rules of love. You play by the rules of state. We were plating different games. Did you even love me? All those times you whispered those words in my ear. Did you ever mean them, knowing this was what awaited you?

_The gods may throw the dice  
Their minds as cold as ice  
And someone way down here  
Loses someone dear_

Perhaps there was something greater that played with us. That dragon certainly tried. Full of his frustrating riddles and hidden meanings. The gods must surely hate me. They play their own games and watch as the mortals suffer for their pleasure. Do they enjoy watching my torture, my agony, as I listen to you taking your vows.

Do they smile as I have to endure watching you give yourself to her. I want nothing more than to run. Leave all this behind. Leave you behind. I know as you say your 'I do' in that strong, commanding voice that I have lost you completely. My heart shatters like a mirror against a wall. The pieces to small to ever be fixed. I am broken.

_The winner takes it all  
The loser has to fall  
It's simple and it's plain  
Why should I complain_

You have everything you need to be a good king. And I know you will be. But could you ever do it without me? What would have happened if I had never come to Camelot? Would you still be the man you are today? Would you even miss me if I vanished from your golden world?

But I will keep my vow of silence along with my vow of service. I will be here as long as you want me. I have no choice. It is better to have known you and loved you then to have remained ignorant. At least I have memories of you, the touch of you ingrained into my skin and my soul. And I can never part with that. I will never complain about the brief time we shared. I will treasure it greater than any gold or magic in my possession.

_But tell me does she kiss  
Like I used to kiss you?  
Does it feel the same  
When she calls your name?_

The next day I cannot help but wonder about your wedding night. What was it like? How did she feel? Did she kiss you like I did? Did she make you moan into the darkness and beg for more the way I used to be able? Does your body writhe under her touch? Do you go hard just thinking about her? Do you come, screaming her name?

How about her? Does she beg you for more? Can she tempt you with a single glance? Would she bend to your every whim, in the stables, in the kitchens, on the stairs? Does she make you moan when she calls your name into the surrounding darkness?

Is she like me?

_Somewhere deep inside  
You must know I miss you  
But what can I say  
Rules must be obeyed_

I know somewhere in that head and heart of yours, you know how much this kills me. You know how much it hurts to watch her with you. You may have been a prat, you still are, but you were never blind… or stupid. No, never those. I'm sure you realise that I am a broken man. A puzzle with a piece missing, that will never be complete. You are that piece and you know it. I know you do.

But there is nothing I can ever say to you that could ever change that. The rules of Albion must and will be obeyed. The rules of the king will be followed. The rules of marriage will be observed. It doesn't mean that I cannot wish for more. But even I cannot perform magic strong enough to make that come true.

_The judges will decide  
The likes of me abide  
Spectators of the show  
Always staying low_

Those above me write the rules. Even you must follow those. I just do as I'm told. As all good servants must. You always told me I was a useless servant. But somethings I follow more obediently than you realise. And in this case I will.

I will just stand and watch, from my dark corners where I now reside. The 'mysterious Merlin'. Even now people whisper of my ability to disappear and reappear at a whim. I just know how to stay invisible, no magic is involved there. As I close more into myself, the less people will know about me. The less people know about me, the less likely they will talk to me. And that is what I wish now. I wish to be alone. What is the point in anything if I can't have the one thing that makes me alive.

_The game is on again  
A lover or a friend  
A big thing or a small  
The winner takes it all_

All around me I see similar things. Lovers and friends loosing each other, each playing their own games. It is odd that you only really notice these things when you have been through them yourself. All around me I can see the winners. People bright and alive, but they are only cursory glances. It is the losers that haunt me. Other's like myself. Do they see what I see? Do I have that same haunted, lost look in my eyes as they do? Am I as fragile and broken as they?

All I can see are the faces of those who have lost everything. A reflection of myself. I pity them and they pity me. Only because we can understand each other. I will suffer no other's pity.

_I don't wanna talk  
If it makes you feel sad  
And I understand  
You come to shake my hand_

I sit in Gaius' old rooms. Those rooms that are now mine. All I can do is stare in front of me. Potions and ointments can wait for now. The world can wait for now. You walk in. A golden light that shines too brightly. Yet your face is filled with sorrow. I finally break my vow.

"I don't want to talk." I sigh sadly. "I don't want to upset you, when you should be happy." I watch the slump in your shoulders. I have never seen you look so defeated. You nod and know that I am right. You don't want to force me into doing something I don't want to do. You have never done that.

You hold your hand out towards me and I take it. I understand that this is goodbye. As lovers. As friends. It is too hard to be the one and not the other. We will still protect each other of that there is no doubt. But our closeness will end. There is no other way.

_I apologize  
If it makes you feel bad  
Seeing me so tense  
No self-confidence  
But you see  
The winner takes it all_

I can see the hurt in your eyes. It is an eclipse on your light. I apologise for hurting you. I know you hate to see me like this. So broken. Back to my more humble beginnings while you have moved so far forward. You will leave me behind. You must.

But there is something else in your eyes. Something I can't comprehend. You pull me into your arms and I fall, not ready for the movement. You hold me tight, not letting me fall as your lips crush themselves against mine. I can't help but whimper.

When we break apart my eyes are filled with tears and even yours are sparkling. But you will not let them fall. You are too proud for that. But not too proud for your confession.

"Merlin. I will always love you." I can see the truth in his eyes, shining as brightly as the diamond tears that are held there. And I wonder. I wonder who the winner is after all.

_The winner takes it all..._


End file.
